sober.

i didn’t know that i ever said i’d date you again if you did this. i feel so terribly guilty to see you like this for three whole days, and now just bingng back on. shit, i’m so sorry. i can’t even see you to tell you, but i’m not even sure if i want to, if i could. i tried calling someone to talk but they aren’t home yet, i guess. i hate how i don’t tell people who care about me things i know they should know.

and you. i’m really surprised at how cute you are and how much i want something to happen, but i know it’ll end just as soon as it starts. things with others havent even ended yet and i’m already lusting. it makes me feel bad, and maybe thats why i’m sort of avoiding you. i dont know.

please, come over secretly so we can talk.

UK

so, i’ve decided i’m going to move to the UK after high school, cause North America sucks. I’ll live in a nice little dorm and find friends. Then i won’t have to deal with the protests of my parents when i take a course that i want to. I mean, sure i would love to be a surgeon or work on some forensic team, but i have a passion for design and art too. psycology is interesting too.

i’ve been having the same feelings again, about doing things i know i can’t. Dreams are coming back, and they wont let me get a nice peaceful night of sleep. i want to feel what he feels, so i can help him. i want to move out even tho i only have like $1000 in my account. i want to graduate and move elsewhere. i want to have kids so i can dress them up. =)

 ha, yeah. things are turning out real good, as in friends and relationships. He hasn’t called, i think it just hit him. my parents are still being twits. its not bad. and i really need a job, ever since i got fired from good earth. bahaha.

happiness

that’s all you ever need in life.

so i’m going to stop with all this, and just start looking at the positive.

still

I’ve been all over the place with this relationship, and now its completely over. I shouldn’t have invited you over after we broke up, and we shouldn’t have done what we did. I can’t believe i blamed you for everything that happened, when it was my fault, and it was me who chose to do the shit with you. I’m sorry i even took the time to meet you, and i’m sorry that i didn’t break up with you before when i didn’t like you. I feel guilty for making out with you and doing things with you when i didn’t even like you. You were like a waste of time to me, but then i really started to like you. I still want to talk to you.

I really like catching up with people from a while ago. It feels nice to remember the memories sometimes. People like Sarah and Laura. They are so great! I almost forgot how marvelous they are. And talking to new people. Nothing’s better than that.

I feel like I’ve missed out on things that I could’ve done. All I do is art. I don’t do any sports. And some dance, but that’s ending quite soon. UGH! Seriously. I wish I could do so many things, but I guess it’s not all abour that all the time. It’s about what you can do? But if I could, I would, right?

goodbye

i can’t believe i even tried to help you. you really know how to fool a girl. you are the only boy who made me shed a tear. yeah, nothing more than a fucking tear for you. so, you and katie can go fuck each other while you snort your shit and cut your wrists cause, i just dont care.
you used me, and you almost fucked me up. told me it was a fucking small dosage when it wasnt even close. i can’t believe i believed you, and yeah, im gullible. you yelled at me for something YOU fucked up, and i begged you you fuck, to not mess up what we had, and then you told me. so dont even think of saying anything to me next saturday, cause nothing you say will change my mind. 

CUTIE

gosh, you are so cute. and its a shame that you did this to yourself and i really want you to feel better. i can’t imagine a life where you can’t think right, or feel good about yourself. i want to help you, so bad. but i will try, even though it won’t mean anything. and i will resist the urge and i will sit there with you in your room hiding your shit from you or even throwing it out. i wonder how you’d react to that. i don’t know you very well, and that scares me. you could be lying about everything, and i’m really gullible. but its okay, because even if you are just a lie, i love you. i don’t even know if this is love. i thought that you would know if its love. it probably isn’t if i’m doubting myself. its so sweet how you asked me out knowing i’d find out but didn’t care cause you love my personality. and, i’m sorry to say i didn’t love you until just recently. i’m not going to show my friends a picture of you, cause i don’t have one, and i’d rather not show to them who you are. its nice sometimes to not have people talking about the guy you love. you’ve told me things i’ve never heard. and i cried in front of you. i cried, and i never do that. at least not in front of people. and how you asked me why i was trying to be so fucking tough. you pretty much yelled at me. but that’s okay. cause every thing you said was true.

so, im getting kind of in love.

and i’m starting to hate long blogs.